Next-Wave Ezine > church & culture

Icebreakers, Oprah, Hermit Crabs & Christian Community
By Frank Hamrick

Ice Breaker Christianity

Have you ever played the “icebreaker” game called “find someone who...”? Basically, you walk around and find someone who has done something peculiar or who has a certain personality characteristic or physical trait. For example: find someone who has a birthday this month, or who has blue eyes, or who has traveled out of the country recently, or who is wearing red, etc. Do you remember the game? Recently, we played that game at one of our gatherings and as we played it, I began to have some disturbing "flashbacks".

What was disturbing to me about that game was the fact that, for way too many years of my life, it represented my experience of “living life together”. Christian community was one continual “ice breaker” game. I’d see people at church and we’d smile at each other and say, “how are you?” and then we’d both reply, “fine”. My relationships were shallow, and I found other environments in my life (primarily work) where I could find relational connectedness. My experience of Christian community was about as deep as an “ice breaker” game.

I sometimes felt like I was missing something. I heard preachers talk about “community” and “fellowship”, and I wanted something “more”, but I never seemed to be able to figure out how to get anything “more”. I gradually grew indifferent to church and to other Christians. I had found “community” somewhere else and pretty much accepted that “ice breaker” Christianity was going to be my norm.

I was wrong.

“Oprah” Christianity

Eventually, through a series of fortunate events, I moved from “ice breaker” Christianity to “Oprah” Christianity. In just a matter of a few months I was making deep connections with people. We were talking about our feelings...emoting together, crying, sharing the deep things in our life, etc. The amazing thing about this was that in just a short time I went from sitting on Oprah’s couch to BEING Oprah! I was the leader of this “Oprah Christianity” group!

I first encountered this type of Christian community in a Sunday school class. It was a group of about 30 people or so who were very much connected to one another. I had never experienced community like this. We prayed together, ate together, laughed together, cried together...it was the most “real” community I had ever experienced. And then...it imploded. As quickly as it came together, it fell apart.

I was pretty shaken by the collapse of this community and withdrew from anyone for a year or so. Then I began to lead a small group. This small group began to experience that same kind of community. We did everything together! We enjoyed each others families and were the best of friends. I never saw this one coming. In a matter of less than a month, this group imploded as well. I was finished being "Oprah".

I had been all over the relational spectrum at church...from hardly coming to being a poster child of community...but I still hadn’t found what I was looking for (hmmmm...could that be a song?!?!). It seemed that what the church had in Acts 2 was simply out of my reach. Something was amiss with this whole notion of “community”, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. All I knew was that my experience of “community” from one end of the spectrum to the other left me confused.

Hermit Crab Christianity

As I look back on my spiritual journey, it really is amazing to see what happened. I went from being totally DISCONNECTED to church to being VITALLY CONNECTED. I went from my most intimate experience of Christian community being defined by the words "fine, and you?", to an experience that was deeply emotional. In the end, though, it all seemed for naught. All I knew was that my experience of “community” from one end of the spectrum to the other left me confused.

My reaction? I became a hermit crab.

Every summer when my family goes to the beach I swear I won’t come back with a #@#% hermit crab, and every summer I return from the beach with at least three of them! I suppose hermit crabs are interesting creatures, but interesting enough to captivate young children?!?! I confess I don't understand my children's fascination with them. They pretty much just stay in their shell and crawl around a little bit, but that seems to be enough for my kids. Of course, occasionally, I’ll hear my kids yelling and they’ll run downstairs and tell me that they saw a hermit crab change shells. It seems like THE BIG DEAL is to see a hermit crab out of its shell ("naked").

A few months ago I was reflecting on our hermit crabs and the excitement it generated in my children when they saw one of the crabs change shells, when it suddenly hit me that this is exactly what I had become. I had tried to find this thing called “community” only to have it implode on me time and again. After a while, I became angry and hurt. I crawled up inside my shell and sat there. Every once in a while I’d come out of my shell and move to a new one, and during those brief moments people would think I was okay because I was willing to reveal myself to them. Of course, I’d just go find another shell and become “crabby”, but it was enough to satisfy many.

Hermit crab Christians are people who’ve tried the whole community thing only to get burned, time and again, by the ensuing implosion. Finally, they just crawl up in a shell where people can’t hurt them because people can only get to know so much about them. Hermit crab Christians are a pretty hurt and angry lot.

As I reflected on this some more I began to consider that people are “hermit crabs” because of one reason: hurt. Some people are naturally...”hermity”...that is, they like being by themselves and don’t like to expose much of who they are to others. Others, of course, are exhibitionist. They will strip in front of anyone. Both of these groups have the potential for becoming "hermit crabs". Here's how I've seen it happen to hermits and exhibitionist: hermits expose themselves and for one reason or another feel rejected, deeply hurt and unwilling to try that experiment again. As a result, they go find a shell in which to hide. Exhibitionist expose themselves, and help hermits to do so as well, only to find the "group" implode, and over time, as this happens again and again, they eventually get hurt...deeply...and finally join their "hermit" friends by getting inside of a shell.

I’ve found that the goal of small group ministry in many churches is finally defined by how naked the group can become. If you can get your group to become a bunch of exhibitionist, then you get the gold star “community” award. So, in most small groups you have natural exhibitionist trying to get the hermit crabs to come out of their shells...to “expose” themselves. Eventually, this happens and everyone feels so good about it...they now have “community”.

How does this usually end? First of all, it does end. Second, it usually ends with the group dissipating or imploding. Either way, what usually happens is that the small group ends up like my hermit crab cage...its a group...full of crabs in shells. If Icebreaker Christianity leaves us indifferent, Oprah Christianity leaves us disillusioned, and finally, cynical and angry. A hermit crab shell is not a good place to be. I know this all too well. I am an exhibitionist. My wife is a hermit. We both ended up in shells.

Christian Community

So, what was I missing? Why had I ended up in a shell? I wonder how many of you have been where I have been: going from icebreaker Christianity to Oprah Christianity and ending up as a hermit crab. Why does that happen? I’m sure there are MANY reasons why this happens to us, but for me, the answer was found in some very obvious observations that I had simply overlooked.

The first observation came in the form of two questions: First, did God ever call anyone to community? I began to look at the lives of some of the heroes in our story, and was a little shocked at what I found. Abraham wasn’t called to a create community. A community came from Abraham (Israel), but Abraham was not called to build a community. Abraham was called to “go” to a place where God would “bless” him and all the world through him. Moses wasn’t called to build a community. A community followed Moses, but Moses was not called to form a community but to lead a community to the promised land.

David ruled over a community and enlarged the territory of his community, but David was not called to form a community. Nehemiah rebuilt Jerusalem and in the crucible of this cause, a community formed around him. I’m certainly not denying the value or strength of the community these men found themselves in, but I think it’s important to realize the POINT wasn’t community.

The second question was this: did Jesus ever call anyone to community? Before I give you my answer to that question, let me give you “The Gospel According to Frank”. I was thinking the other day that if I had written one of the Gospels, it would’ve gone something like this:

Jesus came to earth and found 12 guys. Jesus invited these 12 guys to join his “men’s group”. This group became the best of friends as they did things together (camp out, eat out, serve in ministry together, etc.), and as they told each other their stories and discussed all the issues and “dirty laundry” they had in their life. The 12 met weekly to share life together and catch up on life. The 12 grew old together and baptized each others children and grand-children. As time goes on, the 12 end up preaching each others funerals and write memoirs about how great their life together was. End of story. It’s the ultimate small group experience! The truth is, I think in many churches today, this is the goal of the word “community”.

What is the primary difference between my gospel and THE Gospels? I think you can boil it down to ONE word: MISSION. Why did Jesus call these people to follow him? Was it to have a great small group?!?! Was it to experience “Christian community”?!? What was Jesus about? Read Mark 1:14-15, 17, Mark 2:16-17, and Luke 19:10 to get a good idea. Jesus was about MISSION.

Jesus did not call the disciples to a community, he called them to a cause!

Erwin McManus says it as good as anyone I’ve heard:

“Healthy community flows out of a unified cause - not the other way around. Jesus called his disciples and said, “Follow me. I’ll make you fishers of men.” This was not an offer of community. “Follow me and I will give you something worthy of giving your life to” is a statement of cause. But the neat thing is, when they came to the cause, they found community like they never knew could exist. That’s the power of the church. One danger of the American church is that we often try to offer people community without cause. Without cause, you’re just another civic organization. You don’t have life transformation.”

Michael Frost says much the same thing:

“Things like community and happiness are actually by-products of aiming at something else. I suggest that if a group of people aim at a cause beyond themselves, the experience of community will emerge naturally. You’ll have to pull together. You’ll have to share openly. You’ll have to carry each other a times. A sporting team often experiences a deep sense of intimacy, but they’re not aiming at intimacy. They’re aiming at winning the competition. I think that for Christian community to develop we need to serve someone or something other than our own needs or desires. In short, if we aim at mission, community will fall out the back end. At YWAM, you had a goal or a cause beyond yourselves and you discovered community almost inadvertently. Have you noticed the irony that the parachurch agencies are aiming at mission and experiencing community, while the churches are aiming at community and finding neither?”

Over the past few months God has been teaching me two things: 1) the cause of community is a cause (THE cause in our case), and 2) Embrace the cause.

I thought: create community and then the community will give itself to the mission or cause. We will be a community that adopts a mission. What I’m hearing from God is this: give yourself to my mission (cause) and you will find community. Is that not what the disciples found? They embrace the cause and find a community unlike anything the world has ever seen. A community that changed the world was forged out of a devotion to His cause!

So many of us are frustrated by our inability to “get community” or our inability to “keep community”. The problem is that we’re trying to get or keep the wrong thing. The goal isn’t friendship, fellowship or community. As soon as you try to hold onto fellowship for fellowships sake or community for communities sake...you will lose it.

The goal is the mission...the cause of Jesus...out of which real community flows. Community is a by-product, not a goal. The only way to hold onto true community is to hold onto the mission of Jesus!

Now, just for a moment, I want you to imagine what this would be like. What would it feel like to be a part of a community who finds their “community” in the cause of Jesus, not in their personalities or common interests?

I suggest to you that it would be a community where EVERYBODY had a place. Suddenly, and for some of us, maybe fore the first time, we would see the value of others not in what they could do for us, but in what they could do for the mission! We need everyone! Think about our soldiers in Iraq. In Iraq, every soldier has a place (cook, medic, grunt, commander, etc.)...and they quickly become a “band of brothers”. So it could be with us.

It would also be a community that impacts the world. When I think of communities who found their “identity”, their “community”, around the cause of Jesus I think of communities who impacted the world: the disciples, the early church, the reformers, “the end of the spear” group (Eliot, Saint, etc.), YWAM, etc.

It would also be a community that would last. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect any community will last indefinitely, but it would last for as long as it could stay focused on the mission. Once it looses that focus, well, what good is it anyway? I want to be a part of a community that has a lasting impact on this world. I want to be a part of a community that, when it’s all over, we can look back and say, “we made a difference for the king.” I believe that will only happen if I’m a part of a community that is absolutely devoted to the mission of Jesus.

To me, a great illustration of all that I’ve talked about is found in the TV series M.A.S.H. In this series (the greatest of all time), a group of misfits from all over are thrown together and bound together around a common cause (the Korean war). Interestingly enough, this hodgepodge of people, thrown together around a cause, become a unique community. Eventually, the Korean war ends, and with it, the reason for this communities existence. I the last episode of M.A.S.H., as the cause comes to an end, and as this community begins to break apart, you can feel the anguish of those involved. They understand the time has come for it to end, but they are so bound to each other they want the cause...the war...to continue.

May God be pleased to so move in our hearts that someday we have that experience.

And to think, all of this started buzzing around in my head one day when I heard someone say “missional community” and realized that I could say the buzzword, but when forced to define it...I always started w/ community...I had it backwards. The point is not community. The point is the cause / mission. The cause of community is THE CAUSE. Embrace the cause.

Frank Hamrick is a graduate of Bob Jones University and Duke Divinity School. Upon graduation he spent eight years in the business world as a sales manager and general manager. Most recently he served as the Minister of Student Ministries at Westminster Presbyterian Church in Rock Hill, S.C. before joining the church planting team of element in Charlotte, N.C.