Hi, my name is Charlie, and I am a recovering pharisee. No, I was not a “member of a Jewish sect that flourished during the 1st century b.c. and 1st century a.d. and that differed from the Sadducees chiefly in its strict observance of religious ceremonies and practices, adherence to oral laws and traditions, and belief in an afterlife and the coming of a Messiah” (Dictionary.com). I am using the other definition of pharisee:
“A sanctimonious, self-righteous, or hypocritical person.”
At the ripe old age of 60 I have finally figured out what was and is wrong with me and understand why I have such a hard time with “normal” church. How did I become a pharisee? Was I born that way? Well, in a sense, yes. From the time I was a little baby I was an attender and then a member of a denominational church. Of the many denominations I have been exposed to in my adult life, I can tell you that the denomination of my youth was by far the most legalistic. Our list of do’s and don’t's was extensive. Membership was exclusive and salvific, and this was just fine with me, what else did I know?
I am sure I heard about Jesus and grace and all of that stuff when I was growing up, but not in any relational sense. This all worked well for me. I was a member, and an active one. Yes, I struggled with managing my “holiness (sin).” That produced the requisite guilt cycle. All was well until my first marriage failed and the church kicked me out. Now, I will have to admit, this wasn’t as bad as being publicly whipped, humiliated, falsely accused, and executed. But it still felt pretty bad.
I used to be in, part of the remnant faithful. Now I was out.
If my condition wasn’t so addictive I probably could have recovered pretty easily. But the need to be right and in, may as well have been burned into my DNA and my brain chemistry. I imagine that it is something like the way an alcoholic who is sober feels. He’s not drinking, but the urge burns in his bones.
I was raised that if you love God you will be part of “His” church. Eventually I wasn’t in a church anymore. I wasn’t happy with that condition so I was pleasantly lured back into church when a denominational pastor who preached a more “grace-full” theology started a local church. And this time I was not only in, I was in it up to my eyeballs! Worship leader, church council member and eventually full-time executive pastor were the roles I cycled through in a five year period. Boy, did I enjoy it! Imagine my surprise when a rapid turn of events found me once again on the outside and embarking on a stint as a pastor in another religious movement. This wasn’t quite as bad as the first time I was kicked out of church, but it was a bit jarring!
And then I found a group of people, my congregation, with an entirely different set of do’s and don’t's. I lasted three years at that endeavor and came out the other end this side of a psychiatric unit, but nonetheless scarred. You see, my condition loves being right. It loves being the one with the answers. It loves being the up-front decisive person. It loves being thought of as a righteous person. Of course, there is the downside. I know who I really am and what I am really like inside. Others don’t think I am always right. Frequently there are those that don’t like my answers or decisions. This is always quite disappointing.
It’s been over ten years since that experience. By the way, my second marriage failed and I have married again! During this last ten years I have not been able to “join” another “normal” church. I have been trying hard during this time to figure out what is wrong with me! The way I usually express it is in terms of what is wrong with the churches I don’t want to join. I just figured out this week what the problem is. Recovering alcoholics can’t hang out in bars! Recovering pharisees can’t join a church! It brings out the worst in them.
Don’t get me wrong. This does not mean I am opposed to joining a “normal” church. I think I am just not strong enough yet. In the meantime I remain committed to following Jesus and continue to try to discover what that means. I’ll keep looking for a “recovery” group for folks like me. If you hear of one, let me know.
[The term recovering pharisee has been used on blog sites and book titles for a while now. Imagine my surprise. I am still looking for a 12-step group to join!]
Charlie Wear is the publisher of
Next-Wave. He and his wife Loretta and son Benjamin live in Moreno Valley, CA.
RECENT COMMENTS
Interesting article, Charlie. I suspect we are all recovering pharisees in one respect or another. I have had a problem with the established church too, and we still attend one but also have a home group where we can share openly with each other. I often think that most churchs are lead by a type A personality who wants to lead, be in charge and doesn’t want to be questioned. I guess I have a hard time with authority when it is forced on me. I believe we can all hear directly from God and leadership in any body needs to be sensitive to how God is speaking to all. There could develop some conflicts, but then the leader can use his ability to help all see that there are different ways to function as a body. The organized church should function to help the body members fulfill their calling and not to set the calling. That is God’s job.
Posted by Steve Ker | Posted at 02/21/2010 9:46 PM
Charlie, thanks for this transparency. Suggested reading: “The New Shape of World Christianity: How American Experience Reflects Global Faith.” The West’s little intellectual-rhetorical corner of global Christendom (7%) is looking increasingly irrelevant.. a religious sub-culture with all the “right answers” and very little tangible love to show for it.
Posted by John | Posted at 02/22/2010 8:33 AM
Charlie, I too enjoyed reading your article and also identify with much of what you said. I have recently read a book called “The Prodigal God” and have decided, however, the term “elder brother” fits me best. The book focuses on the brother who stayed home and tried to earn the fathers approval with His good works and I realized while reading it that for most of my life I was an elder brother (or sister in my case). The last 5 years of my life have been in recovery and I am encouraged by the fact that many others whom I know are on the same journey. We have found a body of believers that that meet on Sundays who do not “feed” that tendency in me and I also belong to a home Bible Study (with Steve) where I can express myself and be sharpened and challenged by other believers. I don’t, however, want to EVER belong to a “normal” church. Part of my recovery is being deligent about not making anything God reveals to me along the way into a formula and labeling it. I pray every day that I will not take the truth He has shown me and apply it in a manner so it becomes simply a ritual. I don’t want a name to represent what God is showing me or where He is taking me. But I do very much want to connect with other believers on this same journey…those people, together with me, are called church. Thanks for the call to wake up and be blessed on your journey!
Posted by R.H. | Posted at 02/22/2010 12:43 PM
Thanks for the comments. It is amazing how fresh the gospel seems with my born again, again viewpoint…
Pharisaism is a disease that infects us all…though we ought remember that the problem is not the (organized/historic) church, but the sinful nature of every believer (and unbeliever!) there. Maybe that’s where things get confused by so many…we ALL need church because we ALL continually need the delivery of the forgiveness of sins as of first and ultimate importance. It’s so easy to turn ‘church’ into ANYTHING other than what God intends it to be: a place where sin-sick souls are fed and nourished with God’s Word and life-giving Sacraments. It sounds to me like the churches you have experienced have fallen into this trap…am I right or wrong?
Posted by Jamie | Posted at 02/22/2010 8:53 PM
Jamie, I’m not clear on what trap you are talking about? Please elaborate…
Charlie-loved your post. I too was raised in a fundamentalist church and was quite the pharisee myself. I often wondered what was wrong with me as well. I tried to maintain a belief in God and Jesus as I struggled on my journey to wholeness. The thing that finally brought me to the point of contentment and peace, was walking away from all of it. I’ve never felt so free. I’ve never lived so authentically. I’m not trying to discourage you from seeking Jesus or the Christian God, but I believe that in the end, you will still be left wanting. I do wish you the best though and thank you for writing in such a real way. Barbara
Posted by Barbara | Posted at 02/23/2010 8:36 AM
Your article articulates the conditions too many folks experience within church. One of the chief causes, I believe, that exacerbates the conditions you describe is the lack of romance within the body. We forget that our faith is really a relationship with Jesus, first and with each of our neighbors after that. It is not just any old relationship, it is meant to be a love relationship. Since we have lost our focus on the love relationship, we have forgotten what John told us in his first letter … that we are only able to love because God first loved us. To be loved requires that you accept the love being offered by the lover.Too many people spend their time trying to earn God’s love and other people’s instead of receiving it. Since it is His love that enables any of us to love, many people never experience the enabling power of God’s love because they are trying so hard to earn the vary love that they crave that they never take time to receive the free gift of His love, thus failing to become loving creatures themselves.
The elder son’s behavior demonstrates what I’m saying in the story of the prodigal son. Because he spent all his time trying to earn his father’s love, he never received it and consequently was unable to express any love towards his brother. All the elder son could do was express judgement and hurt feelings.
All the elder son really needed was some romance in his life, which was available all along if he would but open his eyes and his heart. That same scenario applies to all of us. A little romance is all any recovering pharisee needs in his or her life and it is always available twenty-four / seven from the Source.
Made me think of Jill Briscoe’s poem: The Pharisee in Me http://justbetweenus.org/pages/page.asp?page_id=92739
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